Dating and learning disabilities: how to find love and broaden your social network

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dating and learning disabilities

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Dating agencies are a small, but growing sector of social care provision for people with intellectual disabilities. The research reported here is the first to explore, with 10 specialist agencies in the UK, why they were set up, how they operate, the barriers and problems they encounter and their success or otherwise in facilitating relationships for people with intellectual disabilities. A strong case is made for the proliferation of such services.

Historically, it was difficult for adults with intellectual disabilities to form relationships of their own choosing [1, 2]. Negative attitudes towards their suitability for, and capabilities regarding, relationships and sexuality led to eugenic practices such as institutionalization (including segregated living), forced abortion and compulsory sterilization in many countries around the world [3, 4]. Adults with intellectual disabilities were simply not considered to have the same emotional, psychological or social needs for self-fulfilment as other people [5] leading to a denial of their human right to express their sexuality in any form [6].

Romantic relationships are not the only kind which are difficult to achieve. Platonic ones too can be elusive: evidence suggests that, compared to the general population, more people with intellectual disabilities report having no or very few friends [e.g. 11, 12] and also higher rates of peer bullying, peer abuse and social exclusion [13].

Currently, the rights of people with intellectual disabilities to develop relationships are supported by law, by policies and by guidance. Yet in a recent National Development Team for Inclusion (NDTi) review of relationships for people with intellectual disabilities, Harflett and Turner [14] outlined the wide range of attitudinal and practical barriers people still faced. They also stated (p.14):

Modern dating agencies fulfill broadly the same function as traditional matchmakers i.e. third parties who have been bringing people together since antiquity [15]. In many different societies, religions and cultures, such formal matchmaking still occurs though much of the activity has now moved online [16].

A key difference between online dating and more traditional forms of matchmaking, is that online dating relies predominantly on photographs and therefore physical attraction. Evidence suggests that although dating profiles do have some limited verbal descriptions, people base their romantic decisions primarily on the accompanying photographs [19]. Whilst both men and women look for a partner they find physically attractive, empirical evidence going back decades [e.g. 20, 21] indicates that men report they value physical attractiveness in a potential long term partner more than women do [22].

It is not difficult to understand why many people with intellectual disabilities may seek formal help with finding a relationship, given the disadvantaged position they start from (see above). Dating agencies are one obvious solution to the problem. Yet there are relatively few of themFootnote 1 and there is very little literature on dating agencies for people with intellectual disabilities. Three papers were found after extensive literature searches [31,32,33].

Both the Jenner and Gale papers [31, 32] report on the same dating agency: the Relationship Support Service (RSS), a pilot project set up by CONSENT, a sexuality support service run by the National Health Service (NHS) for people with intellectual disabilities in Hertfordshire, UK. The idea for the service came from service users asking for opportunities to meet new friends and potential partners. Jenner and Gale conducted a survey of the experiences and views of 150 service users, family carers and support staff/professionals: 70% of service users said they had few opportunities to meet partners, with 75% of parents and 96% of staff agreeing with that statement. When asked if they would use a friendship/dating agency, the response was overwhelmingly positive, with 82% of service users saying they would use one to find new friends and 78% to find a partner. Although parents of adults with intellectual disabilities are often assumed to be conservative in their attitudes to relationships, 98% of parents surveyed they would support their son and daughter to use the service to find friends and 70% to find a partner.

There is precious little written by people with intellectual disabilities themselves about their use of dating agencies, but Jones [34], one of the co-founders of the biggest specialist dating agency, Stars in the Sky, London, wrote about her motivation for setting up the agency, its successes and challenges. She writes from her own perspective of being a person with intellectual disabilities looking for love and struggling to find it. Fairman [35] also wrote very enthusiastically about the specialist dating agency model, describing and praising the work of Stars in the Sky, London, and hoping they would set up a branch in her own area, so she could join. In this paper, we include data concerning the views of people with intellectual disabilities using specialist dating agencies (see below).

Ethical approval was given by the Social Care REC (Ref No 17/IEC08/0053). Study participants were recruited from those who expressed an interest in the project following awareness raising via statutory and voluntary organizations and social networks including the Supported Loving Campaign. In the wider study, which also involved people with disabilities, all of the study participants had capacity to consent, which was sought using information sheets and consent forms, with easy read versions (including the use of pictures) for people with intellectual disabilities. Confidentiality, anonymity and voluntariness were stressed to all participants before, and during the study. Mindful that some participants with intellectual disabilities might find it upsetting to talk about the difficulties they experienced in finding romantic relationships, we arranged for support to be in place for them if they felt they needed it, though in the event, none did.

There was a high degree of similarity in the type of dating agency and the people they served (see Table 1). They did however, vary significantly in size, with membership numbers ranging from 40 to 600. The agency which had up to 600 at its peak, served the whole of London (and has since closed down). There was no overlap in members between the different agencies, as they were geographically widely spread across the UK.

Although differing in size, their aims and objectives were all the same i.e. to reduce social isolation by providing safe opportunities for people with intellectual disabilities to meet others for friendship and romance. All the agencies considered it important to offer a personal service to their members: meeting with prospective members in person and spending time getting to know them and what they were looking for. Thus, none had adopted the model of online dating services.

As one would expect, safety was high priority. No agency accepted members without a disability, meaning that any person with an intellectual disability who was seeking a non-disabled partner would have to go elsewhere. All agencies required references from professionals who knew the person well before they would accept members. This was to ensure that the people were (a) who they said they were (i.e. that they did have intellectual disabilities) and; (b) that they did not pose any undue risk to others (e.g. through behaviors that were challenging and/or or criminal). Minor offences, especially those committed some time ago, were not necessarily a bar to membership and would be considered on a case by case basis. However, all agencies said people who had committed sexual or violent offences would not be accepted. A number of agencies pointed out that seeking references from professionals could be quite problematic, with lengthy delays holding up the progression of memberships, or professionals reluctant to provide references, as they were not sure what they should or should not disclose.

One of the biggest challenges to the smooth running of dating agencies was that they all had far more men than women joining them. This pattern applied across all 10 agencies, although one maintained a 50/50 gender split in membership by holding men on waiting list until sufficient numbers of women joined. The extent of the gender imbalance varied from the extreme 95% male/5% female to the somewhat more balanced 60% male/40% female. The most common level of imbalance was 66% male/33% female.

The second main theme related to the differences between specialist agencies for people with intellectual disabilities and mainstream ones. These agencies all gave far more support to people than a mainstream dating service would, both at the matching stage and ongoing support throughout relationships. People were offered personal support before dates, to help them prepare, during initial dates (through chaperones to provide support and build confidence) and after dates in both the short and long term. In fact, many of the agencies reported that individuals and couples who had met through their agency may return months, sometimes years later, for ongoing relationship support.

This level of support led to people with intellectual disabilities experiencing a great sense of loyalty to the dating agencies. The men and women with intellectual disabilities in our wider study reported seeing the dating agencies as organizations they really identified with and belonged to:

Mainstream dating services commonly promote themselves by stating the number of successful long-term relationships and marriages they have helped to create. However, in terms of these traditional markers of success for dating agencies, as Table 2 shows, numbers for these were quite modest for the specialist dating agencies: 2ff7e9595c